Fellowship | See the Purpose in Your Present Place (Stay Put) - 1 Corinthians 7:17-24 | March 10

INTRO

Hey family! How are we all doing?

Today, despite all reasonable thought, we are still in chapter seven of 1 Corinthians. It seems inconceivable. Many of you may have thought that we had finished it last week. Some of you may have hoped that I got tired of 1 Corithians and would move on to something a little more exciting by now. Alas, we are still here. We’re staying put. Why? Because there is still so much richness here.

And although we could spend several weeks on every chapter milking it for all it’s worth. Because the Bible is just so filled to overflowing with meaning and purpose. We don’t want to be in 1 Corinthians for the rest of our lives. So we really do need to move on and explore other parts of the Biblical narrative. Nevertheless, there is something Paul is saying here that I think is really important for us to hear. It’s something that we’ve seen before but we must remind ourselves of. It is the importance of staying put. And this principle is of vast importance when it comes to building intimate, life-changing relationships, i.e. fellowship. Stay put.

If you recall I read a quote from a book in the first quarter of 1 Corinthians while we were discussing what we as believers are “called to be”. I’ll read it again now. Then I’ll read this paragraph from 1 Corinthians and we can begin our discussion.

Again, this comes from Joseph Hellerman’s book, “When the Church Was a Family: Recapturing Jesus' Vision for Authentic Christian Community”. Hellerma writes, “Long-term interpersonal relationships are the crucible of genuine progress in the Christian life. People who stay also grow. People who leave do not grow. We all know people who are consumed with spiritual wanderlust. But we never get to know them very well because they cannot seem to stay put. They move along from church to church, ever searching for a congregation that will better satisfy their felt needs. Like trees repeatedly transplanted from soil to soil, these spiritual nomads fail to put down roots and seldom experience lasting and fruitful growth in their Christian lives.”

I’m willing to bet 1 Corinthians 7 was on Hellerman’s mind when we penned these words. That’s not just a wild statement. Elsewhere in this book he talks about marriage and singleness just as we have in the preceding weeks. This idea of staying put is rich with Paul’s words here. Starting in verse 17…

SCRIPTURE

“17 Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. 18 Was anyone at the time of his call already circumcised? Let him not seek to remove the marks of circumcision. Was anyone at the time of his call uncircumcised? Let him not seek circumcision. 19 For neither circumcision counts for anything nor uncircumcision, but keeping the commandments of God. 20 Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called. 21 Were you a bondservant when called? Do not be concerned about it. (But if you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity.) 22 For he who was called in the Lord as a bondservant is a freedman of the Lord. Likewise he who was free when called is a bondservant of Christ. 23 You were bought with a price; do not become bondservants of men. 24 So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God.”

God has given each of you an assignment in this life. He has called you. You are not where you are at this very moment on accident. And I know some of you are in wilderness seasons that don’t feel great. Life is hard. Stay put. Endure. Thrive. Stay put. And sometimes callings change. Give thanks to the Lord that seasons usually pass. But until He lifts that cloud and calls you on. Stay put. My exhortation to you this morning is to stay put and see the potential in your present place.

See the potential in your present place.

This is not an idea that only Paul has thought about. This is a theme throughout the Bible.

PSALM 1 (BE DEEPLY ROOTED/PEOPLE ARE TREES)

Psalm 1 says, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; 2 but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on His law he meditates day and night. 3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. 4 The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. 5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; 6 for the Lord knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.”

What do you notice about this song? Come on, non-rhetorical. What do you see?

There seems to be a lot of wandering when it comes to wickedness and sin. That’s one of the lessons we can learn from Jonah. You remember the guy who got swallowed by a big fish? Sin will always take you further than you wanted to go, keep you longer than you’d like to stay, and cost you more than you were willing to pay. It may be true that not all who wander are lost, but maybe a great deal of them are. The wicked wander. What do the righteous do?

They stay put! The righteous grow roots. Blessed is the man who has planted himself in the Lord. In other words, as we saw at the very beginning, people are trees. Peoples are trees and it’s only through setting down roots that you will blossom and produce fruit. “Trees grow shade, bushes bear fruit, and vines become beautiful only after patient years of staying put. And so with us, lasting fruit usually comes from lasting presence.” Those who wander may not be lost, but they’re not producing any fruit either. People are trees and the Spirit of God is the life-giving, thirst-quenching, nourishing water. The source of longsuffering is the Spirit of Jesus.

So if that is true, then those who are planted by Him can serve fruitfully wherever they’re found. Are you dissatisfied with your job, your station, your season? It doesn’t matter, if the source of your life is Jesus. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard. It means that you don’t need to look to those things for life or satisfaction. Just because the grass looks greener doesn’t mean that when you cross the fence there won’t be some cow patties on that side as well. Learn to drink deeply from the fountain of Jesus. Psalm 87:7 “As they make music they will sing, ‘All my fountains are in you.’” All our fountains are in You, Jesus!

“One of the evidences of not drinking deeply from Jesus is the instability of constantly moving from one thing to the next, seeking to fill the void. Those who don’t have a well of living water within will seek some water without (John 4:13–14) — and when that spring dries up, on they go to the next relationship, the next job, the next hobby, the next car, the next home. But those who have drunk deeply from Jesus, those who live where they are with God, are free to stay and be satisfied.”

People are trees so be deeply rooted in the fountain of Christ!

NUMBERS 10 (PITCH YOUR TENT)

Numbers 10, “34 And the cloud of the Lord was over them by day, whenever they set out from the camp. 35 And whenever the ark set out, Moses said, ‘Arise, O Lord, and let your enemies be scattered, and let those who hate you flee before you.’ 36 And when it rested, he said, ‘Return, O Lord, to the ten thousand thousands of Israel.’”

Again, what do you notice? What is the Lord speaking to you?

Let the Lord set the path and dictate the timeline. When Israel was in the wilderness they were guided by God in a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. When the Lord stayed they stayed. When the Lord moved on they set out. Why should it be any different for us?

It wasn’t any different for Jesus. In John 5 He says, “Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, that the Son does likewise.” Follow the Lord, why should it be any different for us?

It’s almost like a cosmic game of Simon Says. You remember that game? What’s the line when someone doesn’t follow correctly? “I didn’t say Simon says.” Follow the Lord and don’t assume just because it’s something that you want that’s also the Lord’s providence.

“Those who pay attention to providence will not be quick to abandon their present place, even under the sway of strong feeling.” You’ll notice this starting to sound overly formal, that’s because I’m not the originator of these words, but I don’t recall who is. “Those who pay attention to providence will not be quick to abandon their present place, even under the sway of strong feeling. They will pray to the God of providence, and seek counsel from His people—so often the agents of His providence—wary all the while of their tendency to leave the Lord’s sentry posts for a life of heedless wandering.”

“Prone to wander, Lord I feel it”, as we sing in that old hymn. “Prone to leave the God I love.” We are prone to wander. It is a strong temptation, especially in difficult circumstances. As many of you know, I was in a very difficult work situation several years back. Many of you walked with me through that experience. Thankfully the Lord did call me away. It was physically, emotionally, and relationally draining. It took a toll on my health. But the reason I know it was the Lord who finally called me to take up camp and move on was providence. We prayed together for more than a year for guidance and provision. And in the end the desire of my heart was not to run from something just because it was hard. By all accounts I had the right to leave, like I said, it was not good and it was not healthy. But I endured, striving to live from the Spirit and my great need for Jesus. And eventually the cloud moved, and so did I. It was that same day I was unexpectedly offered the job I have now.

Make sure you're not moving ahead of God. For some of you, the situation you are in is because of your wandering from one thing to the next instead of pitching your tent with the Lord. And where you’re at now is worse than where you started because of your wanderlust. Pitch your tent and stay put until God lifts that cloud.

PHILIPPIANS 3 (DON’T GIVE UP)

Philippians 3, “Whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. 12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.”

I think by now you know where I’m going with this, what do you notice?

I know this, as is the case with the Bible overall, is a densely packed portion of Scripture that we don’t really have the time to spend chasing all the wonderful teachings God has for us. For the sake of our discussion I will settle on two things. The first is that Jesus is better. In every sorrow and every victory–Jesus is better. Jesus is better than your season of life. And if you seek Him in this season you will find a better perspective.

We just read in 1 Corinthians, “Are you a slave? Don’t worry about it—don’t let it concern you. If you were a slave when the Lord called you, you are now free in the Lord. And if you were free when the Lord called you, you are now a slave of Christ. God paid a high price for you, so don’t be enslaved by the world.”

Though you may feel that way at times, none of you is as a slave. So no matter how terrible your situation is that you would want so desperately for a change, you have not suffered until this point. Still the call is to reckon your place in Christ above your physical reality. Your spiritual call supersedes your physical existence. Isn’t that weird. We may forget this at times because the physical is all that we see. But there is a spiritual reality that is over and above what you can touch, taste, and see. You are free. That is who you are. Even if you feel like or were ever to be literally a slave. You are free. So to, with your work, with your relationships, with your health struggles, with your circumstances, with your season. The spiritual reality of Jesus is better. And that reality can begin to shift the physical. Though staying put, the spiritual affects the physical. That’s the Gospel story. The incarnation. Jesus lives within you, inhabiting your circumstances, incarnating all over your seasons. So keep going.

Keep going, press on. This is one of the most important principles of seeing the potential in your present place. Keep going. Don’t give up. Don’t lose heart. Paul writes, “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.”

Press on. Keep going. God I pray right now that you would strengthen the heart of these weary travelers so that they do not lose heart and so wander restlessly, but that they would stay put and be enlivened by Your Spirit. Breathe life into these dry bones, Father. Bring strength to these tired and weary souls.

ROMANS 5 (NEVER GIVE UP HOPE)

Finally, Romans 5, “We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Talk to me. What do you notice?

This is the heavy pill to swallow–right? This is some Yoda B.S. What does B.S. mean Roy? That’s right.

This is the one thing no one wants to hear while they’re suffering. There’s some good coming. God’s really going to use this in your life. You should feel so blessed to suffer for Christ.

Listen! We may know there is an end somewhere, but right now it really doesn’t feel like it. In fact, it kind of feels hopeless. And that’s the point! What!? Are you crazy? How is that the point? First, you start swearing. Now you’re talking nonsense. It’s not just me. It’s Paul. He counts all his accomplishments as less nothing–as garbage. And he rejoices in his suffering. It’s an upside down kingdom.

Hear me out! As we endure. As we persevere. As we stand up under the pressure of our trials we hope for relief. We hope for the not yet. We’ve had our fill of the already. We long for the not yet. Hope is the result of staying put. When we hope we remember that there is something to hope for. Were we never to experience difficulties in this life I dare say we would certainly lose hope. It is in difficulty that hope is strengthened. And what we hope for is such a rich blessing. Richer still than our physical reality.

There is a rich blessing of hope when we receive suffering too as God’s love. Never give up hope. Never give up hoping.

OUTRO

William Carey, as some of you may know, was a missionary to India at the end of the 18th century and many give him the honor and title of the father of modern missions. Carey once said, “If one should think it worth his while to write my life, I will give you a criterion by which you may judge of its correctness. If he gives me credit for being a plodder, he will describe me justly. Anything beyond this will be too much. I can plod. I can persevere in any definite pursuit. To this I owe everything.”

“Purpose to be a plodder. A plodder keeps moving. A plodder perseveres. A plodder presses on. A plodder knows the disappointment of unrealized ideals, feels the fear of failure and exposed deficiencies, and the ambiguity of too many demands, options, and tasks. But a plodder isn’t immobilized by them. He or she presses on in the faith that God will supply the needed strength (1 Peter 4:11), wisdom (James 1:5), and direction (Proverbs 3:6).”

See the potential in your present place. “The job you now have, as long as you are there, is God's assignment to you. God is sovereign. It is no accident that you are where you are.” Keep plodding.

Benediction: 1 Corinthians 15:58 “Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.”

Resources (*the views expressed within the following content are solely the author's and may not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of Mountainside Church):

https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/your-job-as-ministry

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/nine-practical-pointers-for-plodders

https://www.preceptaustin.org/romans_54-5

Fellowship | Singleness - 1 Corinthians 7:6-16, 25-40 | March 3

INTRO

Hey family!

It’s so good to be with you again. Did you enjoy the last few weeks? Was there something there for you? I know we’ve been talking a lot about sex and marriage, and so if you’re single it might seem like there’s been nothing for you, or as if the last several weeks have been a huge discouragement. I hope that’s not the case. As we read the Scriptures, God is always speaking if we have the ears to hear. We don’t read the Bible and leave disappointed if it seems like it’s talking about someone else. No, we read expecting God to speak. It is His living word–personified in Jesus. He is painting a picture of Himself, teaching us who He is, giving an image to the invisible (Colossians 1:15–29). And as we learn about God we discover quite a lot about ourselves. And so I desperately hope you were found hearing because I know one thing for sure–God is speaking!

And He’s going to speak to us today as we continue in 1 Corinthians chapter 7. Only this time He’s going to address singleness. So us married folk, it’s our time to listen for what God has for us as well. Because, even though we’ve spent so many weeks on sex and marriage (it feels like forever doesn’t it) the important context for us to be grounded in is the fact that sexual expression is not required to live a joy-filled, completely satisfying, and fulfilling life. Sex is not a necessity to life. Therefore marriage is also not a necessity for life.

Don’t get me wrong, marriage is not something to be avoided and “sexual pleasure itself is not an evil, but rather a God-given good when pursued in the context of marriage. Paul underscores this by arguing that sex is a joyful and right obligation for married couples… So, sex, not celibacy, in marriage is a holy thing.”

“But lest the pendulum swing towards the extreme of marriage as the only fulfilling station for the Christian, Paul argues here in chapter 7 that there is also great joy and purpose to be found in singleness, with celibacy.”

Let’s just go ahead and read verses six to sixteen…

SCRIPTURE

“6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”

BACKGROUND

Remember, Paul is a single man. By all historical accounts he was never married and never had sex. It should also be noted, and perhaps relevant, that we serve a God who made Himself human, in part to live and show us how to live–Jesus who also was never married and never had sex.

So it may be easy for me to stand here and say singleness is a good thing even though it’s not a path that I myself have chosen. In fact, maybe it’s your opinion that too many married people have too much to say about singleness. But, Paul is a single man speaking from His experience. Also, just as we listened to this single, celibate man instruct us about marriage, maybe there is something to be learned about singleness from those who are married.

“To be sure, not every married person knows your particular pain and circumstances, but some do. And they may have a perspective on singleness, dating, and marriage that none of your single friends have.”

But for now let’s listen to Paul speak to us as the Spirit of God inspired him to instruct and learn from his wisdom and experience. The experience of a man who’s life was full of intimacy and deep meaningful relationships even though he was never married. And where I ultimately want us to end up is that singleness is a good gift. Singleness is a good gift. If you can say that and begin to believe it then the mission is accomplished for today. Singleness is a good gift.

But first I think there are a few disclaimers. Or maybe one disclaimer and one presupposition. First the disclaimer even though technically it comes last in these verses.

DISCLAIMER: DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION

As we begin to talk about singleness there could be some of you who are married and have a desire to be “free”. That was an issue in the Corinthian church. There were some who for the sake of religious devotion were leaving their spouses to pursue God in singleness. And while singleness is a good gift, those who are married must stay married. Divorce is not an option. Paul writes later in the chapter, “27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free…”

I’m reminded of a meme or something of that sort where someone is about to fall, get hurt, or do something truly embarrassing and the video pauses to say, “It was at that moment he realized that he messed up.” Although it doesn't say messed up, if you know what I mean. This is not one of those moments. Marriage is not a wrong to be corrected. God’s plan is for marriages to be permanent; all of me, only to you, for the rest of our lives. We just read don’t divorce her. And again Paul says don’t divorce him. Singleness at the expense of marriage is out of the question.

Now, some of you have been divorced, and you know what, that’s where you are now and there is grace here. I’m sure this is not where you imagined you would be at the beginning. When you first were married you were hoping for it to continue well also. You weren’t thinking at the beginning man have I got to fix this situation. And maybe there will come a day when we speak more directly to divorce but that’s not the purpose of our time this morning other than to say.

Marriage is not a wrong to be corrected. What marriage is… and here’s the presupposition.

PRESUPPOSITION: MARRIAGE IS THE CONCESSION NOT SINGLENESS

Marriage is the concession–not singleness. Does that make sense? Let me explain. We go through life being told and therefore believing that marriage is the pinnacle–the goal of human romantic relationship. You see, we have a romance idol in this country, but more on that later I’m sure. Find your soulmate. We believe, by default, that singleness is less desirable, that singleness is the concession. But Paul tells us it’s the other way around.

Now, marriage is an equally good gift which accommodates right human passion. God gave sexual intimacy as a good gift. In the garden He created woman, why? Because it’s not good for man to be alone. Our versions say God gave Eve to be a helper, but the actual word is so much more powerful. I love this. Eve was given as a “delivering ally”. A term only used for God other times in Scripture. God said be fruitful and multiply, but man couldn’t do that by himself. He needed a delivering ally to step into God’s blessing.

So, yes! Marriage is good in so many ways, but it is also a concession to satisfy burning passions as Paul writes in verse 9. Also note, Paul is not writing commands from God here but personal instructions about the unique purpose of singleness that is such a precious gift. So, let’s dive into what it means for singleness to be a good gift.

SINGLENESS IS GOOD

First, singleness is good. Paul writes in verse 8, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single.” It is good to remain single. This is one of those times in Scripture where we bring too much of our cultural baggage.

Unfortunately, culture (even church culture), argues that marriage and sexual fulfillment are essential for human happiness. I mentioned before that we have a romance idol in our country.

“An idol is something we put in the place of God or prioritize over God’s priorities, often from a false promise to provide us with something only God can provide in a way different than He has ordered. We idolize when we misuse or overuse something good into being something ultimate.”

You might hear it described as taking good things and making them God things. Or perhaps even loving the gift more than the Giver. I kind of got to this point with Canaan a few months back that caused me to reflect on how God’s heart must break constantly. After a huge struggle, of all things cleaning his room and under threat of throwing his things away, I sent him to timeout in the living room while I set out to clean his room for him. And of course he’s screaming from the living room, “Don’t throw my stuff away!” Finally, I released him from timeout to a clean room. Which it took him a while to realize his stuff was still there. But after calming down in the ensuing emotions I just got to a point where I begged him to love us more than his stuff. I can just picture God in his patience and great love–longsuffering–beckoning for us to love him more than what he created.

“The idol of romance promises us love, belonging, family, pleasure, and an escape from loneliness. Disney movies and Taylor Swift songs teach our children that magically coupled love is the best thing the world has to offer.” We grow up with the expectation of a soulmate. There’s a perfect someone out there for you. Do you know the kind of pressure that puts on young men and women believing there is one person out there for them and if they blow it they’ll never be happy?

“We too easily believe the lie that life will never be as good as it could have been.” If only we found that certain special someone, life would be better. And if your happiness or such things rest on the finite limitations of another human being I would be really worried as well. But praise God it does not.

Here’s a controversial opinion, but it seems to align with what Paul is teaching here. Marriage doesn’t make life more full. Romantic relationships don’t make life better. They just make life different. Satisfaction and fulfillment can be found in both romance and singleness. Goodness is there no matter what because it depends on the one Who alone is good and not your relationship status on social media. Just mark yourself down as it’s complicated and move on.

“You don’t have to get married to be happy, but to be truly happy in marriage — and in life—marriage cannot be the ultimate source of your significance or happiness.” And that’s the achilles heel of the romance idol. You’ll be stuck searching for contentment in relationships that are ill-equipped to satisfy that longing. Because I hate to break it to you all, single or married, your spouse will not be able to satisfy that deep longing in your soul. Your spouse is good but they are definitely not God. And so if you have a romance idol, even in marriage, you’ll be endlessly disappointed in a relationship that’s not doing it for you. Because it can’t. Marriage is not designed to replace God. And that’s why not only is singleness good, but it is also a gift.

SINGLENESS IS A GIFT

If we skip down through chapter seven a bit. We’re not going to be able to dive in deep to all of these verses before we’ll need to move on to the next chapter. But starting in verse 32 Paul writes,

“32 I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. 33 But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. 34 His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.”

This is perhaps the key to the whole discussion–singleness is unto the Lord. That’s ultimately why it is such a good gift. This is a single man recognizing the troubles of the people around him. So, he’s not bringing a command because both are good. He’s observing. The married people around him, who provide to him such fulfilling fellowship, are themselves restricted in their time and ability. We who are married have obligations to our spouses. Ultimately, much of our time is spoken for. Those who are single have the gift of time.

Those who are single have the gift of single-mindedness. Paul tells us that those who are married have divided interests. But in singleness you are able to pursue the Lord more completely–more fully. Remember that marriage is the giving of yourself solely, completely, and permanently to your spouse. That is the same call of those who remain single. You are able to give yourself solely, completely, and eternally to God. The more you are able to do this in your singleness, the better your marriage will be should you eventually marry. Remember singleness may be only for a season or may be for a lifetime. Certainly everyone experiences singleness. The question that affects our fellowship with others is how we use our singleness whether it be for a little or a lot of time.

It is your affection and devotion for Christ that will fuel the health of your relationships. “The happier you are with God before you’re married, the happier you will be with someone else if and when you’re married.” I’m not sure where I took this from but listen, “the only people who will make you truly happy in marriage will love Jesus more than you. And the only people whom you will make truly happy in marriage are people you love less than you love Jesus.”

Pursue Jesus in your singleness. “Don’t recklessly chase marriage for things you will only fully find in God. Fullness of joy is not found at that altar, and pleasures forevermore are not lying in the marriage bed. Scripture sings about a higher love and greater joy. I’ve ended up quoting this Psalm quite a bit for some reason. Psalm 16 verse 11, “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore”.

If we knew just how happy Jesus would make us, we would stop looking so desperately for that happiness in romantic relationships. That’s a lesson we can all learn.

You remember that story in the Gospels where Jesus is teaching and His mother and brothers are trying to get to him. Jesus asked, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” Then he pointed to his disciples and said, “Look, these are my mother and brothers. Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother!” (Matthew 12:48-50). And in another place He adds to this teaching. “37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37). Whoever loves a future husband or a future wife more than Me is not worthy of Me.

Love Jesus in your singleness. That’s a lesson that for many of us it is too late to learn. Now we have to play catch up among the pull of divided interests. Do not despise your singleness. Singleness is a good gift.

OUTRO

But wait a second, I thought God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone. That is true, He did say that. But your interpretation implies loneliness is relegated to the world of the single. Paul lived a life full of meaningful, life-giving relationships. He wasn’t alone. Yes God was with Him, as He is with us all. But he also wasn’t lonely because he had such rich, non-romantic relationships. And I hate to break the news and disenchant your fairy tale world, but there are plenty of people who are married and still lonely. Loneliness is not the exclusive claim of the single.

“Singleness, even for those who long to be married and aren’t, is not a trial to be endured; it is a positive good. It is a gift to be cherished and maximized. We ought not waste our singleness by viewing it as a trial to be endured.

Singleness is not the cause of your loneliness and marriage isn’t the cure. Instead, singleness is a good gift.

James tells us that “17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)”

Singleness is not just a good gift. It is a good gift from God for your good. I hope this message will take root in your heart. I just want to give two quick exhortations–two quick applications for where you might be this morning.

If you’re experiencing loneliness in your marriage you don’t need out. You need the Biblical counsel and fellowship of this loving family to help you reconcile and renew your wedding vows. Your family group leader is a great place to start for that.

If you are single. Do not despise your singleness. Ask God to help change your perspective. And ultimately if you ever were to get married (not that it is a necessity) you will have a much better understanding of fulfillment and expectation in marriage. Cherish the good gift of singleness God has for you now whether or not now is forever or just a season.

Resources (*the views expressed within the following content are solely the author's and may not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of Mountainside Church):

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/is-my-singleness-a-gift

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/you-dont-have-to-get-married-to-be-happy

https://equipyourcommunity.org/romance-idolatry/

Fellowship | Intimacy in Marriage - 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 | February 25

INTRO

Hey family! How are we all doing?

As you may remember, we are a few months into a series on the book of 1 Corinthians and a few weeks into the topic of fellowship. Though we have defined fellowship to some degree, it has occurred to me that perhaps there is more to be said on the subject, about what exactly it is and why it’s so important to the Christian life.

Fellowship is an important concept for us to understand because we are designed for intimacy. Now that might send shivers up your spine as if you were still a child on the playground fearing the worst consequences of an imminent cutie infection and wondering if you’ve still got your shots up to date. Whatever circles and dots may do to protect you from personal contact–I don’t know.

But, we are designed for intimacy. Even as I say that I am generally concerned that one of you is going to walk up and touch me at this very moment. It’s true. That wasn’t an invitation.

We were designed for intimacy in a relationship with Jesus. It was established in the Garden as God created us in His image to be like Him as He Himself exists in relationship–Father, Son, and Spirit. It’s that return to the Garden which every human longs for whether they know it or not, to walk with their creator in the cool of the day. It’s reflected in the Psalms. We hear in Psalm 27:7-9 a deep longing for spiritual intimacy with the Creator, “Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! 8 You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” 9 Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help…”

It’s demonstrated in Jesus’ life and teaching. And it’s expressed in God’s longing for us as He makes it clear, “I will be found by you!” (Jeremiah 29:12-14); “ Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you!” (James 4:8).

We were designed for intimacy with God.

He designed us for intimacy with other people. Ugh, I know! Right?

We were designed for intimacy in the context of family. In the Garden, once again, God pronounced that it’s not good for man to be alone. We were designed for fellowship, for community, for family. And there is no place this is more true than in the family of God. Psalms 68 says, “His name is the Lord—rejoice in his presence! 5 Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—this is God, whose dwelling is holy. 6 God places the lonely in families;” (Psalm 68:6).

This is the family God has chosen to set us in. And I am so glad for His decision. Unfortunately for you, much like biologically, you don’t get to pick your family. So, you’re stuck with me at this point. God has set us lonely souls in this family–His family! Psalm 133 says, “How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony! God designed us for fellowship, for family, and God designed families to be a source of love, support, and strength for us. We were designed for intimacy within a family.

And yes, we were designed for intimacy in marriage. If you recall, today we’re going to be talking primarily about marriage, and even more specifically about sex within the proper context of marriage. So parents you can, once again, use your own personal discretion as to whether your children should remain in here with us or find their way to the next room. Also, singles, I want to say first that next Sunday we’re going to be talking mostly about the gift of singleness. But I would also exhort you that there will be plenty for you today as well. We do not read the Bible as if only certain portions apply to us. So even if you are single you are designed for intimate fellowship with this family God has knitted you into. And apart from sex, intimacy within marriage is also very dependent upon our intimacy with our family around us outside of marriage. Because your husband, ladies, cannot satisfy every desire. He can’t be Jesus and He can’t replace the listening ear of a trusted friend. The same is true for us men. We need each other. Healthy relationships outside of marriage helps nurture and strengthen a healthy marriage.

Sex is not the deepest fulfillment of our need for intimacy. Christ has that covered. We can live a full, complete, and satisfying life without sex. And next week we’ll hear from a single guy who never had sex how marriage is not the goal of life. So more to come on that.

“Whether a healthy marriage, a true friend, or a long-standing small group, such intimacy fosters physical and emotional health, provides amazing strength and resilience for tough times, and enlivens the deepest parts of you to grow and thrive.” (Carol Peters-Tanksley)

We’re talking about much more than physical intimacy, although that’s included. We’re talking about the need to be close, to be understood, to be number one to someone, to communicate heart-to-heart, to share with, to need and be needed, to be with someone with no walls between. Fully known and fully loved.

You can’t be fully loved by others if you are not fully known. Fully known and fully loved. So, with all that in mind, let’s turn our attention to the first several verses of 1 Corinthians chapter 7.

“Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. 2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

BACKGROUND

Now, an important question, why are we talking about this again? I’m so uncomfortable.

Fair. That’s a valid point. And also, that’s part of the problem. This has become such a taboo conversation within the Church that it has become uncomfortable to speak openly about. I’m uncomfortable right now. My parents are in the room for goodness sake. Through our passivity, we’ve allowed our culture to direct and determine the narratives surrounding sex and sexual identity. And I think you’ll find those narratives haven’t changed very much in the last several thousand years.

In Corinth sex was treated as a very casual practice. It didn’t have much meaning, or depth, or carry any amount of weight. Sex was everywhere. Do what you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want. It is compared to an appetite similar to food. It’s just an appetite, a desire that we have and that we need to satisfy in whatever way we find satisfying. Do what seems good in your own eyes. At the same time sex had a sacredness to it. It was a form of worship. And they held these two tensions together of sex as casual and sex as sacred.

We see this exact same dynamic at play in the world around us. The message we hear is to satisfy your sexual desire in whatever way seems most appropriate to you. It doesn’t matter. Don’t limit your freedom. Keep it casual. It’s just sex. At the same time, almost in contradiction with the casual attitude of it doesn’t matter, what really matters is that sex be allowed with no limits. At the same time, it doesn’t matter, and yet try to stop me and all of the sudden it matters a great deal. Sex has become revered in our culture as the pinnacle of human existence while at the same time being treated as just an appetite to be fed.

I just want to reiterate, we were designed for intimacy in a relationship with Jesus. Sex is not the deepest fulfillment of that intimacy. We are more than a sexual orientation or a sexual desire. It’s not the height of who we are. In fact it’s not even necessary to life. The idea that our deepest identity is wrapped up in our sexual orientation and our sexual expressions is a bad trade for the true depth and richness of who you are. Our culture creates such a lack of value in a person when it boils them down to who you’re sleeping with and how often. You are so much more!

The Corithian church had become weary from the fight so much so that married individuals had written to Paul asking if it was appropriate to just throw in the towel and live celebite lives. To which his response is absolutely–if you’re already single. That is preferred. But–if you’re married that is a huge mistake. Huge mistake! And what follows are five verses which are about marriage and also–about how married people need to be having sex. Emphasis on need. Paul writes of it as a requirement. It’s almost as if Paul is leading a marriage retreat and his only advice to the attentive couples is “go have sex right now”. So let’s talk about why that is and if you are married what you need to be doing about it.

THE FUNCTION OF SEXUAL INTIMACY

Lest you think I’m making this up, or creating an opportunity to talk about sex out of thin air (which I definitely don’t want to do), I want you to turn your attention to verse two, “each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.” This may seem innocent enough–it’s not. This is more akin to a euphemism to ease the readers into the subject that Paul is discussing which is pretty much exclusively married people having sex. This particular verb that we translate as “have” is used a few times throughout the Bible and it pretty much always means, “have sexual relations”.

Verse 3 only makes it worse depending on the translation you’re reading because the ESV and others say, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.” Conjugal rights–ugh! That just makes it sound gross. But what these introductory verses are doing is to confirm the function of sexual intimacy and why marriage is the only place for it.

We talked a little bit about this last week, but what Paul is doing is bringing us back to the Garden once again. Genesis chapter 2, which Paul quotes in the last chapter we looked at, “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Sexual intimacy is a reminder of the covenant vows you spoke at your wedding. It is a reminder that marriage is exclusive, permanent, and complete. That’s what marriage is or what it should be. It is complete. It is exclusive. And it is permanent. Sex is supposed to work in an environment where I give myself completely, exclusively, and permanently to my spouse. It is the fulfilling of our wedding vows and is designed to stick us to our spouse and keep sticking us to our spouse.

God wants to use sex as a reminder of the covenant vows you said to one another to be naked and unashamed. All of me only to you for the rest of my life. All of me only to you for the rest of my life. You are going to run into issues within your marriage if you hold pieces of yourself back. We are designed for intimacy, for fellowship, to be fully known. There is no place that is more true than in your marriage. All of me only to you for the rest of my life. That is the function of sex in marriage.

THE DESIGN FOR SEXUAL INTIMACY

Now, we should discuss a bit about how that is to practically work in your marriage. We’re not going to get graphic. Don’t worry. What we’re talking about is the design for sexual intimacy and how sex within marriage as a giving of yourself should be regular, consistent, and mutually beneficial as we see Paul establish in verse 4, “The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.”

This is very similar to language Paul uses with regard to marriage throughout his letters. In Ephesians 5 he says, “21 Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as to the Lord… 25 Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it.”

I know these verses leave a bad taste in the mouth of many. But I promise you that Paul has only positive things to say about marriage so you either have to trust that the Bible is right and that despite how people have abused these passages and despite how you have read them for maybe the entirety of your life… you either have to trust that God is good and these are good words for your good and the good of your marriage–or you believe that you’re right and the Bible is wrong. Then we’ll have to have a different conversation.

Two things are worth noting. The first is that Paul begins this passage with a general call for all believers to develop an attitude of submission, a willingness to be responsive and to yield to one another out of love. So this is a laying aside of self desires, preferences, and priorities to serve others. There is a general call for all believers to have this attitude as well as a specific more intimate call within the context of marriage. And the second thing is that this specific call is directly paralleled to the relationship of Christ within the Godhead–God in relationship with Himself, and Christ in relationship with the Church. So there is a complete absence of all the baggage that people read into this verse based solely on this truth. What it is about is serving and loving your spouse. What it is about is not seeing yourself as a solitary entity that uses those around you, including your spouse, to satisfy self desire. It’s an opportunity to love and to serve and to meet the needs of your spouse. You are not your own. You are one flesh. And so your body is not yours alone but belongs to your spouse.

Paul also writes in Romans 12, “Outdo one another in showing honor. It is a mysterious dance of love in the Christian community as we lay down our rights and our demands, and seek to outdo one another not in what we can get but in what we can give. There is a holy and humble and self-sacrificing competition to make the other maximally glad.” Jenny and I have led marriage seminars in the past where we have shared this verse. And you know how people say marriage isn’t a competition? Here’s where they are wrong. Outdo one another in serving one another, laying aside yourself to fill them full. One up each other in showing love and honor.

Paul is making the claim that in marriage we are seeking mainly to please the other. A wife wants to please her husband, and so she is prone to give up what she desires. A husband wants to please his wife, and so is prone not to demand what she finds unpleasant to give. And vice versa. It’s not about what you can get, when you can get it, and how often you can get it. It’s about serving and satisfying and loving and giving yourself away. Which absolutely necessitates a conversation (conversations) about sex. You need to talk to your spouse about how often you would ideally like to have sex. You just do. And you need to schedule intimacy into your calendar if you have trouble making time for it organically. It has to be a priority for you for the sake of your spouse and your marriage.

Because, when you are married, you have a responsibility to fulfill the desires of your spouse sexually. Husbands, your wife has sexual desire and needs just like you. Don’t use sex as an opportunity for self pleasure. Satisfy each other in this regard. No one else can do that for your spouse and your spouse isn’t doing it for anyone else. That’s the marriage covenant. It’s about intimacy, trust, and vulnerability. You are entrusting your body to your spouse to serve, to love, to care for. Sex, in a marriage covenant the Bible says, should be regular, consistent, and mutually beneficial. We do not demand and we do not withhold. We submit and entrust.

THE THREATS TO SEXUAL INTIMACY

We submit and entrust because Satan will come after you and your spouse if you deprive one another of sex. Let each man have his wife and each woman have her husband. Your body is not your own but you choose to give it wholly to your spouse “so that,” Paul writes, “ so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

There is perhaps no more successful arrow in the spiritual quiver of our enemies than sexual expression. The Bible tells us that “The thief [the enemy] comes only to steal and kill and destroy…” (John 10:10). And you better believe he’s coming after your marriage. Our marriages are to be pictures of Christ and the Church. You better believe the enemy wants to distort and disrupt that picture. So if you are currently experiencing a lack of sexual intimacy within your marriage, there could be a number of reasons but the prescription is pretty much always the same. You need to talk with your spouse. If it’s been months or years since you have been together intimately with your spouse it is more than likely a symptom of a deeper trust problem that you can’t be naked and unashamed with one another. You need to talk with your spouse, then you may need to bring it before your family group and make a solid plan to move forward.

It could be that you have a lot of baggage from previous sexual experiences. Sexual sin undealt with and unconfessed has a real effect on our current intimacy. You need to talk with your spouse. You need to give yourself completely, exclusively, and permanently to your spouse. You need to live fully known so that you can be fully loved. Have a conversation.

There may be trust issues from past hurt in your marriage or from sin that is unconfessed and unconfronted. And your spouse probably doesn’t know that you have trust issues unless you share with them. They’re probably thinking the worst of themselves, that you don’t find them attractive or that it’s their fault. It could just be a lack of intentionality because of season of life with young kids or what not. It could be a lack of confidence in your ability or your own body image. Anything that leads to your inability to be naked and unashamed together. You are repainting Eden with your sex life, isn’t that weird to think about. You need to talk about sex with your spouse. Talk about intimacy. Talk about what you’re feeling. Talk about your hangups. Figure it out together and plan a way forward.

Of course, there could be a biological or physical issue that makes sex less appealing or not a pleasurable experience. We have friends who struggle with some of these issues. I’m not a doctor, but you probably need to see one. And your spouse needs to know what’s going on. Don’t hide physical issues from each other. This is that important of an issue that Paul has spent so long writing about it to the Corithians. You have to figure out together what sexual intimacy looks like for you because not having sex is not an option according to Paul. The only exception he gives is for short periods of time that you both agree on to devote yourselves to prayer. If you’re not open and honest and work together a physical issue can lead to a relational issue.

OUTRO

It should be noted that as you are having these conversations, don’t assume it’s your spouse’s fault. Come in humility confessing your sins and not naming theirs. Don’t believe it is your spouse who is the problem. That’s not the spirit of your body not being your own. Always start with you allowing your spouse to encourage and lift you up–to restore you in trust. So also, husbands and wives, don't respond with, “yep, you’re the problem”. Outdo one another in humility, love, and service. Confess and encourage. Serve and entrust.

We do not live in a culture that provides the kind of encouragement and support for life-long marriage commitment. In fact, the forces around us are constantly suggesting that we are fools to stay in a troubled relationship. You do you, is the message from our culture. Do what feels right. If he’s not satisfying your needs, find someone who will girlfriend! “The stronger our desire for some satisfaction, the more vulnerable we are to being deceived about what is right and wrong in the way we try to satisfy that desire.”

A covenant marriage where you are giving of yourself, all of me only to you for the rest of my life, is the only place that sexual expression is properly satisfied.

So, I think my application is, if you’re married, to go have sex. I guess that’s what Paul is really trying to say. At the very least start the conversation and plan and prioritize intimacy in your marriage.

Resources (*the views expressed within the following content are solely the author's and may not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of Mountainside Church):

https://midtowndowntown.com/sermons/acting-out-your-wedding-vows

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/sexual-intimacy-and-the-rights-over-a-spouses-body-in-marriage

https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/satan-uses-sexual-desire

https://www.drcarolministries.com/god-created-us-for-intimacy/